AhlanArab.
He was the guy I met two years, eleven months ago. Knowing him for five days, and being with him a day after our first date, was my choice. But loving him, was beyond my control. I had first liked him for how cute his eyes were. I didn't knew this was what I will be expecting.
The life journey with him was the worst roller coaster ride, I ever had. I had the fun moments, but at the same time I felt I was hurt pretty badly too. There are things about him, which I love and I hate.
1. He controls everything I wear.
Sometimes, as much as I would want to dress up like all my other girls, I couldn't. I didn't realized how protective he was over my pride. I didn't know it meant a lot to him. (Seriously, I dont know whether I should continue writing, I feel like stopping as I'm tearing now.) I will never forget how he slapped my face for wearing something slightly exposed of my boobs. I was careless, and now I have accepted well enough what he wants.
2. Lifeless girl.
At times, I just feel that I'm not having a lively life like those my age went through. He was scared guys took advantage of me, he thought I will go flirt around, forgetting and neglecting him. He didn't trust girls & clubs. That's about it. I accepted my fate, and I took it to my consideration that if this is how life is supposed to be, for my life, for my pride, I will.
Contradicting to how he takes care of me, he neglected his responsibilities by going to club without my consent. He went all along dancing with other girls, which he may thing I could accept it, but no I couldn't. He thought I was okay, but I was not. I was that understanding girl, because I learnt my lesson. But I could not accept that he did it, said sorry and do it again. He didn't knew how I felt really bad when he shared he stories. I am glad he did. I was happy he did. I was contented the truth was out. But till today, I ask myself, am I bad enough?
3. Eyes on boobs and butts.
I am fine if he looked at a girl more beautiful than me, even though that was not what a girl always wanted. The best man, will the man who don't bother looking around, or staring for at least 5 seconds, thinking she's beautiful because he has a girl right beside him whom (even uglier), but in his eyes, was the most beautiful girl he met. I can never be beautiful as beautiful as a girl in heaven, but I always tried. I tried to please him using papaya cream just to grow my boobs, eating papaya secretly behind him, even though I always wanted to vomit it all out, just to grow bigger boobs. I wanted to be attractive. I wanted his eyes on me, only me.
Contradicting, it was not always me who caught his eyes. There were many girls who took his attention. Honestly, I am fucking embarrassed of myself. I am FUCKING EMBARRASED ! A girl will be laughing her ass off, saying, "Hey look, I just slept with your boyfriend. He wanted it anyway." or " Hey look, your boyfriend was the one who called me first?" That's why most times, I never called any girl all because I was embarrassed myself. He thinks I could easily forget . Every conversation I saw, every photo I saw is clearly in my mind. I could never deny, even if you asked me, it has been almost two years, but it hurts like it just happened two seconds ago. Sometimes, I cried myself imagining those photographs, those stories. I didn't knew it was as easy for you to have sex with a girl as if it was just a kissing thingy. I hope you forgive me, but the truth is, am I bad enough?
4.School / Work
He always have problems with me working. I was so pissed off, that he didn't wish me on my graduation. I was pissed off that he was dragging himself to see my graduation. I was one of the saddest person when I didn't get to see him POP. I will be the saddest person, when I can't see success in my boyfriend's life. SPeaking of work, I still can't figure how he feel when I work. Sometimes, he will constantly asked me to take MC/leave and give me all sorts of excuses, said words that hurt to the fullest, to make me feel so guilty. But when I'm not working, he went off to spend time with his friends, and left me aside, that will be another topic, I can spend a paragraph on. Sometimes, I asked whether wouldn't it better if he support me on whatever I do, whatever I went through. Till today, I asked , am I bad enough?
5. Friends
I don't mind him having friends. Even though usually I hate it how he criticized my friends for nothing they've done. He couldn't accept my friends for who they were. He always fear I will go the wrong way with my friends. But that's exactly what happened to him. When he was with Anep, he was gone case. Geylang was his playground and prostitutes were his toys. I couldn't explain any longer how hurt this was, but at the end of the day I blamed him. You are who you mixed with , but with a wise thinking, you can always think that You are a man of your choices. Only a narrow minded person will think your friends are who you are because they are not. You are who you are, and that's final. I had enough tolerance with him abandoning me, prioritizing his friends more than me. I had enough. I never say no to him having friends, but time management is important. But he always said that "Girls are always a waste of time" The truth is, "Am I bad enough?"
6. What I want and What he Wants.
This is the most annoying thing I feel in the relationship. Sometimes, things he want, I will try my best to get it for him. I risk my life working more than one, schooling and working at the same time, just to make sure he can get what he wants, even if it sacrifice my own time having my own life. I tell you sometimes, I can work till hell, but I will be happy because I could buy him something when pay day comes. I put his wants my priority than mine. I had always wanted a new laptop, new clothes, new this new that, but to me that wasn't important, I wanted to see he smile more. I wanted to see him smiling to me, even if he don't thank me. His smile means the world to me. But sometimes, I just felt that it was all taken for granted. Riding was what I always wanted, only because he was always there to support me during my license process. But today, he told me I will die riding. It hurts me when I'm already hurt physically but you not being there, is one thing that might hurt,but you saying those words, just killed me inside. Till today, I ask " Am I so bad?"
7. Physical fights, words that kill.
I will rather be punched in the face than hearing your words that kill my confidence, kill my pride. I swear, it is so hard for me to even tweet anything like that. It's even so hard for me to just say Fuck You to you but it seems your vulgars are so easy on me. And hitting me was your game when you're annoyed. Seriously , seriously , I tried to be soft, but I'm not. You can't accept me for who I am. I don't like people who said vulgar words to me , because I will not be able to accept it if I hear it from my own boyfriend. It's like I'm hearing my mother saying it to me. A vulgar word to my ear, will just made me ask myself again, "Am I Bad Enough?!"
Till today, I just hope you realised how much hurt you gave me. Because I love you and I can't bear to leave you because I fear karma will hit bad back to you. I can't bear t o see you get hurt.
But if one day, like you said, we were not meant to be, even though I had the confidence but you don't, I just pray for the best in you.
One day you'll realised that,
You will never feel the love for someone so much until she walks away forever.
Goodnight. I shall stop for now. I'm tearing up pretty badly already.
